Hello. I don’t always squat, but when I do, I squat deep. My name’s Tim, but my friends call me Graefeus Maximus, Captain Chesticles, and also, Timbob Squarepants or Babes. In my free time you can find me frying bacon, flipping bacon, and or chewing bacon, sometimes simultaneously. Also, attempting burpee-bar-muscle-ups (emphasis on attempting). If you’d like to know about my youth and high school endeavors (and they’re really quite enthralling) here you go, and if not, skip down to the bold text at the bottom: Soccer, basketball, and piano lessons. That was my childhood. In 8th grade I became ill and was hospitalized for two months, taking me from a healthy yet slender 160# at 6 feet even, to 117#, still the same height. (Someone get this kid a cheeseburger) Moving on to 9th grade, I didn’t really “play” football because I passed out on the field during frosh summer two-a-days and the coaches sent me off to the doctor for heart tests in fear of palpitations, never to put pads on again. “There must be something fundamentally wrong with me,” was my thought. My heart turned out to be just fine.
Basketball had been my sport since early on, but I didn’t make the cut for the frosh basketball squad for reasons still foggy, although I did take note that many of the cool kids who made it happened to have rich daddies working for Hewlett-Packard. Three of those students were kicked off the team for drugs during the season. (don’t worry, I’m not bitter). Sophomore year I ran cross-country. I sucked at it, literally. I sucked wind constantly. I didn’t run varsity. That was for twig kids who had been fun-running for years and could keep their miles at or under the 5 minute mark. As far as I could see, there was nothing fun about running. Our school had a reputation to uphold at the state comp. level and couldn’t have the likes of me mucking things up, dragging my toes behind me, wheezing, hacking, and stomping my way to a 19 minute 5K, a good 4 minutes behind the slowest varsity freak-of-nature. I had gained back more than 70# during my freshman year thanks to a good weights coach, milkshakes, and a healthy love for competition if with no one but myself at times. I ran the 100, 200, and 400m sprints in track, besting a 400 time of 49 s. I passed out and pissed myself at the finish line.
Since the “glory” days, athletics has been more of a steady hobby and moderate passion. In 2009 I completed 5 weeks of Pre-BUD/S training and 4 weeks of BUD/S training in Illinois and Coronado, CA respectively. If you need to know what that stands for, Google it. I learned more about myself as an athlete there than anywhere else. I have amplified respect for those men who endure the agoge, and even more for those who wear the Trident, guarding us while we sleep, the true protectors of everything we take for granted each day: the chance to breathe free of the threat of lurking darkness. I learned what I was truly capable of and how to use my mind to dominate my body. I learned that running sucks, yes, but it stops sucking once that layer of mental weakness and Netflix-inflicted blubber melts off. Many hard lessons there and afterward. Since then, I placed top 25 in Hawai’i Ultra Running Team’s 9 mile mountain race in May 2013. (Their acronym is HURT, and for good reason – those races suck no matter how long you’ve been running). I’ve run 3 XTERRA 21K races. Three days before the 2012 Honolulu Marathon, I signed up without a single day of marathon-specific training and finished in 4:19 with no injuries, including a 10 minute potty break (sorry McDonald’s in Kahala).
During a seven month Persian Gulf deployment in the Navy, myself, GPS(Orca), and friends would routinely crank out 2-hour grind PT’s on a rocking ship, breathing salt and exhaust fumes, afterward consuming food that did more damage than the fumes. We had to invent shit to destroy ourselves. In 2013 myself and a small team completed the circumference of the island of Oahu (131 miles) via ocean swim, bike, run, and sea kayak. Two weeks later I ran the Kauai 21K. 3 days later my girlfriend and I completed the rugged 27 miles of Kauai’i’s Na Pali Coast with heavy packs, considered to be in the top 10 most dangerous hikes in North America. People die along the trail every year. You should do it before you die; add it to the bucket list.
On instagram: j_timothy
On Tumblr: timswanderlust.tumblr.com
It’s a working title.
Height: 6’ 00”
Average shorts length: shorter than yours